4 years later

I had all but forgotten that these even existed
after a google search nose dive, procrastinating homework, here I am

I've read every post I once wrote
It hurts me to be reminded of how much pain I was in

I was so so young 
                                                         too too young 

That all feels like a lifetime ago and my heart is beating stronger than ever 

but it still hurts. 

every pounding is a reminder
every day is one day closer to the anniversary

it's been 4 years now. 

what's surprising is the anxiety as the day approaches

what's surprising is that today I didn't make it through a single class without crying

what's surprising is I'm still writing about it
                                                                   what would be even more surprising is if anyone read it

I am in so much pain and I don't understand how it's possible for the pain to ever stop 

I want to go now. 

It takes everything in me to stay

I don't know why I still stay

Best Friend Not Found

It's Thanksgiving
so I shouldn't be thinking about you

I should be grateful for all the wonderful people in my life 
instead of thinking about the one person who decided to leave it

But I can't stop thinking about Thanksgiving two years ago

You were with your family in Saint George and I stayed here with mine
We texted non stop while you were gone
and FaceTimed multiple times a day

You dropped a pin on my location to find out just how far apart we really were

4 hours and 27 minutes felt so "freakin far away"

Those few days apart felt like an eternity

I tried to drop a pin on your location today
because I wanted to know just how far apart we really are
now that it has been a very very long 638 days 
and I have not received a single text,
 or phone call,
 or request to FaceTime

I tried to drop a pin but I didn't know where or how 
and all that came up was "best friend not found"

so I still don't know
just how far away you are 
I know my heart still rests in your chest but it's hard to feel yours beating in mine

so yes, I'm hurting

and yes, it is because of you

and yes, I'm going to keep telling people that I'm fine.
                                                                                                 It's fine. 

But it's not fine. 

Because today is Thanksgiving
and you couldn't even send me a text

638 days. 
and who knows how many more
until I snap and get to talk to you again

I miss you Terik

I'm just hurting a lot right now

And I wonder if I ever won't be
Because it's been so long 
And it seems like I'm the only one who still cares 


Death is my best friend and my worst enemy 
We spend too much time together 
And even when he's not around 
he's on my mind 
But I hate him

I'm not one to hate people
And I can't think of a single other person I hate
But I hate him 

And I blame him 

For this 

This

Feeling 

the pen kind of love

I'm afraid that I will always love in pencil

I'm afraid I will never find the pen kind of love

 I'm afraid of leaving other people just because it's what's best for me

I'm afraid that staying with me will never be what's best for anyone

 

I'm afraid that I don't react well to needy 

I'm afraid that I'm too needy

I'm afraid that my heart is too shy and rarely speaks up

I'm afraid that my mind is too loud and never shuts up

I'm afraid that she claims to be an optimist but anything I say or do upsets her

I'm afraid that when I claim to be an optimist maybe I'm lying too 

I'm afraid of how important this next week could be for my life, how important each week has the potential to be

I'm afraid that I will not have the courage to always do what's best

I'm afraid that we could never get along

I'm afraid that a pay-attention-to-me crier could never get along with a please-don't-stare crier 

I'm afraid of thinking about my fears anymore 

so I'm afraid it's time for me to close out another post

I'm afraid because I'm not afraid of the future 

I'm afraid darling, because I'm simply too excited

Stream of thought

Hmmmm 
different
I'm supposed to write something #different 
I've already written happy
and I've written sad

gif
no gif

picture
no picture

I've been sleeping since church got out and I just woke up now
that's different I guess
I honestly would've slept until tomorrow if I didn't have to pee
thank you bladder or else this assignment would've been late

gotta get those points

or maybe not?

I already made it into BYU...... lol

Am I the only one feeling like I need to find a new goal ASAP?
Because I've had one goal for so long and now that I've accomplished it 

I feel slightly empty. 

Like, what's my purpose now?

anyways I don't really have anything poetic to say today 
you feel?

Today I'm just *******
not PaP Audie 

How is your guys day going? 

I doubt many people will answer 
I feel like there's approximately 3 people reading the blogs now 

I totally get it
I'm tired too, clearly.
and school doesn't allow time for creativity

so this has gotta go to the bottom of the to-do list 

study for my AP test to get college credit?
read about how that girl wants to kill herself?

I think I'll study. 

That's the sad thing about school I guess
when we are given time to open up 
that's what comes out of our mouths 

all the sadness

cuz we gotta get it out 
and when will be the next time we are given the chance to be us?
to be something other than robots programmed to get the test scores that will make them look like good teachers

when is the next time we will be something other than a number?

everyone is screaming out 

but I don't have time to listen 

because I need to go get a higher number. 

Cootie Kiss

I was in kindergarten, still wary of boys and their cooties. 

Until, Tanner Snow came along. 

It was instant, naive love. 

My youthful heart skipped a beat the first time his hand brushed mine. I barely even noticed his cooties transferring to me. 

His alluring eyes made me feel as if I had never truly been looked at until the moment they glanced my way.  That sparkly pair joined with his pearly whites were enough to make any girl swoon. 

He was adorable. 

I knew I had to make him my boyfriend. All it took to accomplish this was my feminine charm and striking good looks. 

After all what boy could resist the charm of a 6 year old girl? 

Yes, indeed, the charm of a girl with four bigger, older brothers is quite hard to resist. 

Soon I had him promising to marry me someday.

Our sticky hands clumsily wrote love notes in crayon everyday to show how we felt for each other.

One day he decided to up his game, he decided to kiss me. 

I didn’t even have time to think about if his kiss was worth risking the cooties.

He just walked up to me in the least romantic way possible and smashed his face into mine. 

But at that moment I could not think of a more pleasurable experience. 

At such a young age, I decided that kissing was wonderful and I wanted more of that boy’s lip. I freaked out, chasing him around the playground begging for, “just one more Tanner, just one more!” He freaked out too.

In the opposite way. 

He decided girls did have cooties and they were not worth the trouble. 

I thought my heart was broken 

but it turns out penciled promises 

                    (even if they are broken) 

                                                          are sharper than crayons