Best Friend Not Found

It's Thanksgiving
so I shouldn't be thinking about you

I should be grateful for all the wonderful people in my life 
instead of thinking about the one person who decided to leave it

But I can't stop thinking about Thanksgiving two years ago

You were with your family in Saint George and I stayed here with mine
We texted non stop while you were gone
and FaceTimed multiple times a day

You dropped a pin on my location to find out just how far apart we really were

4 hours and 27 minutes felt so "freakin far away"

Those few days apart felt like an eternity

I tried to drop a pin on your location today
because I wanted to know just how far apart we really are
now that it has been a very very long 638 days 
and I have not received a single text,
 or phone call,
 or request to FaceTime

I tried to drop a pin but I didn't know where or how 
and all that came up was "best friend not found"

so I still don't know
just how far away you are 
I know my heart still rests in your chest but it's hard to feel yours beating in mine

so yes, I'm hurting

and yes, it is because of you

and yes, I'm going to keep telling people that I'm fine.
                                                                                                 It's fine. 

But it's not fine. 

Because today is Thanksgiving
and you couldn't even send me a text

638 days. 
and who knows how many more
until I snap and get to talk to you again

I miss you Terik

I'm just hurting a lot right now

And I wonder if I ever won't be
Because it's been so long 
And it seems like I'm the only one who still cares 


Death is my best friend and my worst enemy 
We spend too much time together 
And even when he's not around 
he's on my mind 
But I hate him

I'm not one to hate people
And I can't think of a single other person I hate
But I hate him 

And I blame him 

For this 

This

Feeling 

the pen kind of love

I'm afraid that I will always love in pencil

I'm afraid I will never find the pen kind of love

 I'm afraid of leaving other people just because it's what's best for me

I'm afraid that staying with me will never be what's best for anyone

 

I'm afraid that I don't react well to needy 

I'm afraid that I'm too needy

I'm afraid that my heart is too shy and rarely speaks up

I'm afraid that my mind is too loud and never shuts up

I'm afraid that she claims to be an optimist but anything I say or do upsets her

I'm afraid that when I claim to be an optimist maybe I'm lying too 

I'm afraid of how important this next week could be for my life, how important each week has the potential to be

I'm afraid that I will not have the courage to always do what's best

I'm afraid that we could never get along

I'm afraid that a pay-attention-to-me crier could never get along with a please-don't-stare crier 

I'm afraid of thinking about my fears anymore 

so I'm afraid it's time for me to close out another post

I'm afraid because I'm not afraid of the future 

I'm afraid darling, because I'm simply too excited

Stream of thought

Hmmmm 
different
I'm supposed to write something #different 
I've already written happy
and I've written sad

gif
no gif

picture
no picture

I've been sleeping since church got out and I just woke up now
that's different I guess
I honestly would've slept until tomorrow if I didn't have to pee
thank you bladder or else this assignment would've been late

gotta get those points

or maybe not?

I already made it into BYU...... lol

Am I the only one feeling like I need to find a new goal ASAP?
Because I've had one goal for so long and now that I've accomplished it 

I feel slightly empty. 

Like, what's my purpose now?

anyways I don't really have anything poetic to say today 
you feel?

Today I'm just *******
not PaP Audie 

How is your guys day going? 

I doubt many people will answer 
I feel like there's approximately 3 people reading the blogs now 

I totally get it
I'm tired too, clearly.
and school doesn't allow time for creativity

so this has gotta go to the bottom of the to-do list 

study for my AP test to get college credit?
read about how that girl wants to kill herself?

I think I'll study. 

That's the sad thing about school I guess
when we are given time to open up 
that's what comes out of our mouths 

all the sadness

cuz we gotta get it out 
and when will be the next time we are given the chance to be us?
to be something other than robots programmed to get the test scores that will make them look like good teachers

when is the next time we will be something other than a number?

everyone is screaming out 

but I don't have time to listen 

because I need to go get a higher number. 

Cootie Kiss

I was in kindergarten, still wary of boys and their cooties. 

Until, Tanner Snow came along. 

It was instant, naive love. 

My youthful heart skipped a beat the first time his hand brushed mine. I barely even noticed his cooties transferring to me. 

His alluring eyes made me feel as if I had never truly been looked at until the moment they glanced my way.  That sparkly pair joined with his pearly whites were enough to make any girl swoon. 

He was adorable. 

I knew I had to make him my boyfriend. All it took to accomplish this was my feminine charm and striking good looks. 

After all what boy could resist the charm of a 6 year old girl? 

Yes, indeed, the charm of a girl with four bigger, older brothers is quite hard to resist. 

Soon I had him promising to marry me someday.

Our sticky hands clumsily wrote love notes in crayon everyday to show how we felt for each other.

One day he decided to up his game, he decided to kiss me. 

I didn’t even have time to think about if his kiss was worth risking the cooties.

He just walked up to me in the least romantic way possible and smashed his face into mine. 

But at that moment I could not think of a more pleasurable experience. 

At such a young age, I decided that kissing was wonderful and I wanted more of that boy’s lip. I freaked out, chasing him around the playground begging for, “just one more Tanner, just one more!” He freaked out too.

In the opposite way. 

He decided girls did have cooties and they were not worth the trouble. 

I thought my heart was broken 

but it turns out penciled promises 

                    (even if they are broken) 

                                                          are sharper than crayons 

Our time together

via GIPHY

I wish that I could forget

But I'm trying to remember.

I wish the pain would go away

But I wish that it would kill me.

ily

I tried so hard to hold it in
to be strong
for you 
always
I never wanted to show any kind of weakness
because I wanted to be there 
for you
you needed me 
and I would do anything to be everything for you 

That day 

I just couldn't anymore 
I couldn't pretend like everything was fine 
sometimes my days turn sour too 
                                I didn't know what sour meant back then
But I was still your rock 
and that's the way I wanted it
I ran away 
                  so you wouldn't see 
made up some excuse and left 


you followed
                

I couldn't stop the salt from flowing
the sting in my eyes 
the sting in my heart 
I'm sorry, I've failed you, I tried so hard
I begged you to leave 
                     so you wouldn't see
how could I ask you to trust that I would support you
if I let you see that sometimes I break too? 

I wanted nothing more than to catch you
                                                                        I wanted you to think I never fell 

But in that moment 
I failed 

"I don't want to talk about it"

                        "I know, I just want to hold you"




via GIPHY
That's how I knew.


























Now you see me cry every day
But I imagine you still love me 
and if you could 
I know you would 
say just what you did that day

that day I failed 
but you loved me anyway

Hearts don't make good erasers

I close my eyes so I can pretend that it's you
Your arms wrapped around me
Your smile pressed against mine
Your fingers running through my hair
You pull back, brushing my hair behind my ear, to whisper something sweet
Something I will write down later so as never to forget
         Even though we both know I'll never forget
But the voice I hear is harsh

my eyes fly open

                       
via GIPHY
The boy standing in front of me a stranger
And I'm drawn back to the present where you are still gone
And I am still using other hearts to erase the memory of yours

The Blogs

This (meaning the blogs) is a world where everyone is sad
Where everyone has something to say about depression
Where everyone has something to say about anxiety and loneliness and broken families and dreams never realized and expectations and heartbreak and pressures and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and andandandandandandandandandandan



rarely anything happy
 
This is a world where sad is normal
And happy is scarce
Because we spend so much time at school and work and with friends being happy
Sometimes we need a break
Even if we aren't really that sad
Sometimes we need to release
Even if your life hasn't really been that hard yet

(Which is okay really, just be grateful)

You make something up
Stretch the truth a bit
Because yet again, we are trying to fit in
Even hiding behind pen names

This isn't the place to seek help or attention
Because we can't help you, we don't know who you are
And Nelson doesn't have the time of day to track down each student who writes something sad
Just know he loves you
Really really he does

Please don't think I'm dismissing your feelings
Or mental illness
Because I have seen worst case scenario
And I understand the heartbreak
Really                                      I wish I could make that bigger
If you want to talk, I would love to listen
Seriously, I LOVE to listen.
But talk to ******* not PaP

                                               But that doesn't help ******* the people don't know who you are

Do you always talk to yourself?
                                                                                                                                                   Yes, now go away
I guess what I'm trying to say is
If I write something sad
Just know it's not a cry for help
I don't want you to feel sad, for me, or just in general
My writing really is more for me than it is for you
It's my release
I'm really doing okay
I swear

Really?
                                                           I told you to go away 

More often than not the smile you see is real
And I wait til I'm alone to cry










Also there are Hats in this world..........soooooo

Audie

Now you know what "PaP" means
But I guess you might be wondering about the "Audie"
(Orrrrrr maybe you don't care-whatever that's cool too :'D )
Yes, I will be using emojis on this blog
Basic white girl for the win

We are just gonna pretend that didn't happen because I couldn't figure out how to add emojis
*checks to see if anyone is still reading*

Audie means "old friend"

An old friend saved me long ago with her written words
She taught me that sometimes people can understand
And while it must be hard it also must get better

So, this is for you A
PaP loves you

P.S. I'm also realizing it kind of sounds like "odd" ......so that's fun *insert monkey covering its eyes emoji if I knew how to do that sort of thing*

Pen and Person

Reader be aware
Objects on paper are generally happier than they appear

 now that we have that taken care of...

The girl you meet in pen is different than the girl you meet in person
I am the pen and the person
Neither is a lie
just as neither is the full truth
Two halves to my (almost) whole 

The person is 
fun
outgoing
talkative
happy
That is really me 

The pen is 
unpredictable
pained
mournful
distressed
That is really me 

The person is worried the pen will be feared
But the pen allows the person to be who she really wants to be
that is something to be celebrated!
not feared



I am the Pen and the Person 

~PaP